God Went North
by Borlaaq
Summary: Tightly she holds but the plan still unfolds. A Hollow Knight character study.


**I.**

The Hollow Knight is kept from their mother on purpose. They are uprooted from her too young but the Pale King insists they are not a true child, they know no better and they don't need the love of a mother. But the White Lady still finds her means to sneak in and sing to the Hollow Knight. Sweet but sad lullabies as her roots stroke their face. She cannot bring herself to face them during the day, but she watches them grow with a sense of pride and dread nestled in her chest like burrs.

The White Lady helps fit their best robes and armor when they are full grown. The pale steel glimmers in the light but it's not pure. Neither is the nail, they are given and she can't help but wonder if maybe the Pale King knows more than he allows her to see.

She puts a root to his cheek and smiles sadly. "This is your moment of glory. I hope, that when all is said and done, I can see you marry."

They don't reply. They can't. But when they avert their gaze, the White Lady knows. She pulls them into a tight embrace and tears drip down onto their new armor. The Pale King calls from out in the halls and she jerks back.

"Do not keep him waiting."

**II.**

When the Pale King first asks Grimm to help train the Hollow Knight, Grimm refuses instantly. He wants nothing to do with the Pale King's plan. He won't lower himself to the Wyrm's level and he won't engage is the twisted games.

The Pale King leaves it be for a time. Until he doesn't. He isn't used to not getting what he wants and he has learned how to bend Grimm until he breaks.

"They are a vessel just as you are. You are the best to teach them."

Grimm wants to spit at him in disgust. He had refused to teach the King how to make vessels and he made a mockery of it himself. Grimm would never compare himself to what the Pale King had done. "You have taken everything from them that makes them alive. You have damned them, wyrm. Your own child. They are no more than an ambrosia."

"Do you not leave a terrible burden on your spawn as well, Nightmare King?"

Grimm snarls, fangs bared and eyes wild, "Do not speak of my children. They are not the one that _dies_. Accuse me all you want but I am not a murderer."

The Pale King hums because he's got Grimm just where he wants him. "My Pure Vessel will surely suffer if they cannot defend themselves. If you do not teach them how to achieve their full potential, does that not then make you guilty of their demise?"

Grimm tenses and he knows the Pale King's mind games, but this is an innocent who doesn't deserve it. He inhales sharply and let's his shoulders slump. "Heed me, wyrm, this is for them and not you. I will welcome the fall of your kingdom with open arms but I will not let the innocent suffer for your hubris."

"Do you plan on saving them, then?" The Pale King bites back a chuckle. "You cannot even stand up to Her. You are a coward."

Grimm leans in close, "A coward and a carrion beast are one in the same. Your downfall will taste so sweet."

**III.**

Grimm watches them grow and they perfect their skills with pale light. Twisting spires from the ground and shining projectiles. Just like Grimm taught them. There's a sense of pride there and Grimm hopes it's not in vain.

When the time comes, Grimm puts his hand on their shoulder and says, "This is your moment of glory. It may feels like all the gods have left you alone but all you need to know is you have everything you need. It's just a blink of an eye 'til the next time we meet."

And Grimm wishes he could could hold them – shelter them in his realm – but he can't. So he lowers his head sadly. They take his hand and squeezes it. Grimm closes his eyes.

"You deserve so much more, my Ambrosia."

**IV.**

The Hollow Knight knew early on that they were destined to die, to fail. They could hide from this knowledge easily in the waking world. They could hide everything there. But when asleep, where everything is more often red than gold, their emotions are raw and so _real_. (– they didn't even get to see the Dream Realm until they sealed the Radiance. Back then, it had been only nightmares for the Pure Vessel and they hated it. They knew they shouldn't dream at all.)

Worse yet is Grimm and his sympathy. The Hollow Knight knew him outside of the Nightmare Realm, but while sleeping, the Troupe Master works their way under their shell. He knows them better than they know themselves, here. The Hollow Knight hates it.

When they dream of death and failure, Grimm is always there to say, "Don't worry, my friend. You'll survive." And unspoken "you must" floats between them awkwardly.

The Hollow Knight doesn't believe a word he says. They are already sick and faulted by their own emotions, the Infection won't be half as bad as knowing they failed their father. The Hollow Knight doesn't know, though, that Grimm isn't telling them, he's telling himself. They can't see his hands ball into fists at his sides and the look of pain hidden behind his eyes.

And how badly does Grimm want to say, "Please, survive, for me."

He doesn't.

**V.**

Despite everything, the Pale King knew after the deed was done that the Hollow Knight was not pure. He had been guilty, dooming his own child but would it have been any different had they been pure? They were emotionless enough for it to work for a time, and the Pale King understood that as he sealed the door. They felt nothing as he sealed their soul away. How long they would last before falling apart at the seams? The Pale King couldn't bring himself to find out.

He ran.

They were, despite everything, his heir, his _child_. It's disgusting, the Pale King realizes now, but he couldn't undo what had been done. They were beautiful, despite the impurity, and, in the end, they couldn't tell anyone. They were emotionless enough for it to matter.

**VI. **

The very first thing that the Hollow Knight finds themselves thinking after the chains are pulled tight and the Temple sealed is that they don't want to die as another victim to the Radiance. They have no sense of time in the Black Egg and all their efforts on not thinking, not speaking, not _hoping_ merges together in the pitch blackness as time ticks on. They remember trying not to sleep at first and they remember the first time the nothingness gave way to gold.

They knew they had failed then. They would never have their father's approval. The Radiance started weak, picking at small pieces of their impurity until she could find a way to tear the small pinpricks into a gaping hole for her to slip through. The worst part is knowing they are losing themselves. It's worse than the Radiance telling them that they've failed, that their father will never love them. All that they already knew. But feeling their own control slip out of their grasp is maddening. All they had is themself. They didn't have thoughts or hope or anything other than their own body. And they were losing that.

In the end, they couldn't even recall anything past the gold and white. The sickly sweet smell of the infection takes and takes.

The Radiance did, however, give back in the form of knowledge.

"_Isn't it funny? You plead for your father even now. Don't you realize his light was never his to begin with?_"

**VII.**

They knew they were losing the fight no matter what, so instead of trying to fight their own mind, the Hollow Knight found comfort in it. In their own thoughts, they could escape. Perhaps this only aided the Radiance, but the Hollow Knight already knew they had been abandoned. So instead, they plan what they would say when they were finally free.

Oh, they knew that would never happen. But they could at least pretend to hope now that they had given up being pure.

They want to tell their mother that they love her, for once. She had always known and she would understand. They wonder if their father would forgive them, tell them he is sorry even. (In the back of their mind the Radiance laughs.) But even knowing that they failed their father, a bitter feeling had started to build up. Their father had abandoned them, left them here alone.

They quickly change their train of thoughts. They had siblings. A sister who they had only met a handful of times and all of those in the Abyss. They hear them sometimes, still. Most of all, they think about the one who they had seen on the ledge, right behind them. They left them alone, abandoned them too. Is the Hollow Knight no better than their father? They hope that when everything is over, they won't hate them for leaving them. And then there is Hornet. They miss her the most. They hope they don't blame them for this.

Vaguely, they think they're forgetting someone. They remember red and warmth and then the Radiance sweeps her wings across their mind and it's gone.

Alone in the dark, all the Hollow Knight can do is remember. And hope. (And the Radiance leeches onto these and uses them to dig her talons into their flesh until their void runs gold.)

**VIII.**

They never had a real name, but knowing that they never deserved the title Pure Vessel is devastating. They had worked so hard to fit the mold, to be pure and perfect. They wish the Radiance would take the memories instead of the sense of self. But she doesn't and so they are trapped in what seems like endless days. While awake, it's dark and while asleep, it's bright and blinding, growing stronger with every part of them that is broken.

They are afraid, shaking in their chains. They deserve this fate for being a failure but what about those of the Kingdom outside? The citizens are innocent where they were not? They have to stay strong for those outside their tomb.

Sometimes when they sleep, it's red and warm. That makes it easier. It ends too soon and the Radiance snarls in a language they can't understand after.

**IX.**

The days all meld together until they don't. They sleep nearly all the time now, feeling the Radiance rake through their mind and memories and making her nest. And then they feel it. The first crack of many. It's a pain like no other and they had never wanted a voice to scream as much as they did then. It's nothing but agony after. They twist and struggle in their chains against it until they finally pass out from the pain. That is a blessing because they cannot dream. It's just dark when that happens and it reminds them of the Abyss, of _home_.

They had never been so uncertain until now. Their emotions reach a peak and they feel angry and hatred. It's a new sensation, overwhelming and they don't even know if it's theirs. Every time the agony makes everything fade to black, they wonder if it's finally over. They are never so lucky.

Finally, though, their memories start to fade as their vision blurs gold instead of black in the pain. And finally, they find a voice and they scream.

**X.**

They can sense something, barely. A sensation somewhere beyond themselves. They can't pinpoint it, but it's familiar. They blink past the gold and the pain and they see shadows at the edge of their vision. They don't have enough strength to move and she won't let them. The Void in them shifts, though, as if it's anxious. Something is changing.

Someone is calling to them. In the distance, someone they knew once. The Abyss is changing. They can feel it tugging them back, begging them to come home. They fear they're going to be left behind. They struggle, then, weakly, and the Radiance snarls. She forces them still, talons raking down their already dying body. Their head falls forward in defeat as they shake from the pain.

A light. White, not gold. The smell of fresh air. They raise their head just barely. A small figure, pure darkness against the light of the outside world. The void is at their call and the Hollow Knight's own void surges forward against their shell, begging to join. The Radiance is strangely silent.

_S...sibling?_

The one they had left behind. The Hollow Knight doesn't deserve their forgiveness. The Radiance lowers her wings around their neck, voice sickly sweet in their head.

"_That is fine. You won't have it, anyhow._"

**XI.**

The force of the fall as their chains are removed knocks the wind from them. They can't move, can't even shake as the pain overtakes them. There is a strange fury of emotions pounding in their skull. They're angry and full of hatred. They don't know what to do with all the feelings that are suddenly making their chest feel too tight. They try to reach for their magic, try to focus, only to realize the arm they use to cast is missing. They need to stand, then. They can't remember how to use their limbs.

They don't need to, they realize in horror. The Radiance moves for them and the overwhelming helplessness of it all dawns on them. When their only hand wraps around the hilt of their nail, they want to squeeze their eyes shut. She won't let them.

"_Watch now. Your little savior is going to die by your own hands_," she growls and they want to sob.

But then there is something else, a flash of red flying straight for them. That language they can't understand pounds in their mind but now, as at one with the Infection and the Radiance as they are, they _can_ understand.

"_Again, brother? As if that form will do anything._"

They raise their nail and strike down the small creature who had charged at them. The Knight runs in then, pausing to check on the winged thing before grabbing their own nail. It's pure. The Hollow Knight's nail is not. The winged creature mewls, it's eye now a bloody mess but the other eye is red and familiar. The Hollow Knight freezes and the Radiance snarls, trying to force them to move. They grip their nail tighter. She gives a small sigh of victory.

They plunge it into their own chest.

"_Don't you dare die on me now, Ambrosia. Please. For me._"

The Radiance howls in response, "_Stay out of this!_"

The Hollow Knight struggles against themself. The Knight dodges every attack the Radiance forces them to use. The normal grace that they had learned is gone as they are jerked around. But the Knight moves across the battlefield like it's a dance. It's familiar. They had learned too. There are so many voices all around the two of them. She pushes their body past breaking, infection festering and bubbling from them. Every time they manage to wrestle control of their own arm, they turn their nail on themselves.

"Little Ghost, now!" A new voice among the chaos. They barely register the pain in their head as they fall to their knees.

The Radiance screams and the Void replies.

**XII.**

It's black. Not gold.

"Come on. Stand up. It's over." Hornet.

They struggle to use their nail to rise up. There is so much pain but the air doesn't smell sweet. Void drips from their wounds, not Infection. Their legs shake from the effort of standing. They don't remember how to walk. A loud screech. They wince.

"Hey, get out of here! What are you doing?! Get away!" Hornet swats at the flying creature as it circles her. The Hollow Knight holds out their hand slowly. It looks at them, eye still bleeding and oozing. It chirps shrilly, clambering up onto their shoulder.

"Do you know it? It followed Ghost around."

The Hollow Knight shakes their head and the motion makes them dizzy. Hornet has to catch them before they fall again. She huffs.

"_Easy_. Let's get you to a hot spring."

Slowly, the three of them take the first steps of their new life.


End file.
